Test This Shit

There's far lot more of amazing processes beyond our universe. There's the Black Hole, the Big Bang Theory, and Alien bacterial reproduction.

But regarding these things, there are also few mysterious processes occuring in our planet aside from Lunar Eclipses and Ozone Layer thinning.

And what I am talking about is Stool Sampling.

Well, this may not be a bigger topic or matter than presidential speeches and human cloning, but we cannot deny the fact that stool sampling is a crucial part of our professional life and must not be taken lightly.

As a regular procedure of the so-called Medical Examinations [that a professional must undergo as a part of the employment phase], stool sampling takes is place at the bottom part of the procedure. It can provide basic information about your medical condition and it can also predict the recent diet you've been taking.

Aside from the undigested vegetables such as beans and kangkong, stool samples can predict your future. Well of course that is if there's any fortune teller that is willing to look at your shit just to predict the future.

I therefore provide these tips in order for you to fully utilize such process. Remember that stool sampling may sound simple and appear incomplex, but there is such great process that occupies its name.

DISCLAIMER: As usual, the following tips and/or procedures and/or descriptions has not undergone any testing procedure and should be handled with care. Any particular result regarding the said procedure may be discussed here.

Tips/Steps to a successful Stool Sample Extraction by Tannix

1. RELAX - stool extraction is not a gang war nor it is World War I or II. It is not forced. Stool extraction is quite similar to sexual intercouse where in the use of force can produce undesirable and painful sensations.

It is a delicate process and be sure to be at at relaxed state of the physical and mental. One must be at a calmed wholly calmed and not rushing at all times. Do not be impatient and wait for the proper timing.

Remember how Don Juan captured the Ibong Adarna? He waited until the bird was vulnerable enough to be caught.

I'm not saying that you should slash your wrists and squirt citrus juices on them. What I'm saying is that you should be patient enough and relax in order for the procedure to be carried out accordingly. You may not obtain a successful result, but a relaxed state of both mind and body can ease the process.

2. HAVE THE RIGHT TOOLS - in the fast-paced pace of technology today, we cannot deny the fact that 20 or 21 years in the future, there are numerous supermachines that are readily available in the market that are specially designed for stool sampling or extraction. In the near future, you may even send your stool samples ONLINE.

Either you attach it with your e-mail, you fax it to the company, or you send it via bluetooth or WiFi.

But as of now, we must live with what we have and be able to utilize the functions of our current technology.

Usual Tools may be any of the following:

A.) Extractor - an extractor may be as simple as a spoon or as sophisticated machine that can extract stool samples from your anus. You can choose from a variety of plastic spoons [and NOT FORK] from different fastfood companies, particularly Jollibee and Mcdo.

You may opt for McDonald's spoon since it's much smoother and it can't damage your asshole. Keep in mind that you don't necessarily have to order from a fastfood chain just to obtain spoons like these. You can also use silverwares since they are easy to clean and gives a tingling effect since it is made of metal.

An alternative extractor may be a popsicle stick from Magnolia or Selecta products. Just be sure that you have already eaten the popsicle or ice cream from the stick before you stick it up your ass. You may pick any flavor of popsicle. I prefer orange.

NOTE: Popsicle sticks have long been a tool used by clinics to observe your throats during check-ups. It pushes your tongue downward to fully get a view of your throat. You must be observant enough to know if the popsicle stick has already been used for stool extraction. If the popsicle stick tastes unusual, then you should go sue your clinic.



B.) Container - medical examiners usually provide containers for the feces during the period of medical exams. But at the case of when you are not given, it is advised that you are to pick an airtight container to prevent the smell from infesting the area.

You can choose tupperwares or microwavable containers.

Bottles with rubber seals or Close-up resealable sachet is also an option for the container. You can choose a paper plate or a newspaper, it's your shit anyways, so you still get to decide. If you're really out of containers, you can hand carry the sample until you get to submit it to the examiners.





C.) Disinfecting Materials - stool extraction is not a neat process. It is as delicate as the process of giving birth [and also as painful if your shit is as big as a child], and it is full of germs and is no way near sterilized.



It is therefore adviced that you are to use alcohol, soap, tissue paper, alcogel, gasoline, matchstick, atomic bomb, holy water, and scotch brite and Joy Antibac or any disinfecting materials you know in order to ensure proper shit extraction. You can also use medical rubber gloves in order be truly disinfected.

3. BE PREPARED - sometimes, it is difficult to predict the exact time that you are to shit. You should be prepared at all times. It is not advisable that you are to induce fecal extraction for faster results.

Example: You are to eat Bagoong, and then you drink Chocolait, and you eat champoy, peanuts, raisins, and green mango, and tamarind. Within minutes, you are sure to be shitting your pants.

This process will result into undesirable...uhm, results. Remember that stool extraction is quite similar to giving birth and should be prepared for.

Medical examiners, more often than not, require individuals to produce FRESH SAMPLES of shit. Stools are not like meat products that you can place inside the refrigerator to keep the freshness when the submission of the sample is not yet due. It may be mistaken for some sort of sauce or Kimchi if placed in the refrigerator.

Also practice proper asshole muscular control. You don't want to let the shit be pouring too fast when you extract it. Might as well use the toilet first and fish the samples from there.

Do not be dismayed if the stool extraction is a failure for the reason of diarrhea or false alarms. Stools are not always the thing that are to come out of your ass. It may be a tiyanak or a big fart. Nonetheless, you should be prepared.

4. BACK-UP - If all else fails, you could try to extract the sample directly at the venue of the examiners. It is a good thing since you are sure to obtain a sample. You could try to extract at a specific time. Let's say after lunch, when you've had two Big Macs.

The only drawback would be that your ass would have the condition of unfamiliarity with the different toilets and you would be having difficulty shitting out the samples. Most puwets have this namamahay condition that prevents them from "letting go".


Remember that this is stool extraction and not sperm donation. You can't use a porno magazine to induce a sample.

So it is best to be prepared.

There are many possibilities when it comes to stool sampling. Your imagination is the limit.

I hope these tips help.

You can always normally deliver shit out your ass. It's been always like that since you were born.